Mom, Get Married!

This post is not about unwed mothers or love-child but about stereotypical thinking leading to emptiness and about my ex-maid Nalini.

Examples are strewn everywhere, of stereotypical thinking leading nowhere, but we go on… It’s easy to imagine where we get our stereotypes from - parents, friends, teachers, religion, books, TV, newspapers, movies…

Nalini might have got it from movies because from what she said her parents were keen on getting her educated but all she wanted was to get married as soon as possible being a girl, which she did get at the age of 16 to someone who grew up to become an unemployed drunkard who beat her regularly. Now that’s another stereotype, men from labor class are wife-beating drunkards. I don’t know of their personal lives but most people from lower strata that I’ve observed are very family-oriented, hardworking, weathering all other hardships like no other.

And we all know that wife-beating drunkards exist in all strata of the society.

For some time she bore the harassment and played the martyred woman, gave birth to a son thinking a child will make things right. But things only got worse. She left his house with her son, to her mother and brother and started working as a maid but still took karvachauth fasts in the first 2 years in separation. When I questioned it, especially since she took an off for the fast, she said a wife has to do her karvachauth duties whether her husband deserves it or not. However, it seems with time she started learning from experience and soon discontinued karvachauth.
Her in-laws were harassing her even from long distance by spreading rumors about her. With the help of an NGO, she applied for a divorce. So while her offs for karvachauth stopped, she started taking monthly leaves for court proceedings. As neither her husband nor in-laws participated in the proceedings, divorce was granted in their absence. She continued going to court demanding maintenance money for her son.
After getting her divorced, her family tried to get her married next. Nalini was defiant to this, she said one marriage was lesson enough and all men are the same. Her son was 8 by now. She said he knew who his father was and would refuse to accept a step-father.

Nalini is a descent looking woman if you overlook her slight squint eye. She got some proposals which she considered half-heartedly. Of course, she took a leave every time a prospective groom came to see her. And then she rejected them.
“Men from villages are backward and strange. I have grown up in the city. I’ll have problems adjusting with them. “Men who are marrying for the first time will treat it as a favor” was another of her opinions. All attempts and threats by her family to get her remarried thus went in vain until fate intervened.

Fate is great because it is unpredictable and cannot be stereotyped (Thank god for that!). It strikes good or bad, man or woman, young or old en masse, without discrimination.

And so it had struck Narayan, eldest of four siblings, at a very young age when he lost both his parents. The boy altruistically dedicated his life to bringing up his siblings and getting them settled. As he neared forty he realized that his brothers and sisters were now too busy with their own lives to take care of him. He was still looked up as a provider and not as someone who had needs to live his life too. There came a time when he was desperate for someone of his own, someone who would love him and take care of him.
He cried his heart out to a well-wisher who was a distant relative of Nalini. Sad state for someone who had treasured whatever was left of his family and worked for it. When I see young men, with hale and hearty doting parents, disregarding marriage and family values and queuing up girlfriends instead, I think of men like Narayan, orphaned but dutiful, yearning for a wife and a family.

You might imagine that Narayan’s proposal went to Nalini next. But no, it didn’t happen straight away. Had it happened one cannot be sure if Nalini with her fears and stereotypical view of the world would have agreed. Narayan’s proposal first went to a widow with three kids. Both were to marry but did not because a widower brother-in-law of the lady in question stepped in and said he should be the one to marry her.

Now the relative thought of Nalini and approached her with his proposal.
The fact that Narayan had accepted a woman with three kids put Nalini’s fears about her son’s acceptance to rest. She was still resistant to the idea of marriage but her brother and mother were threatening to move away from the city leaving her in the lurch. She had to choose between marital security and independence.
Near the marriage date, Nalini’s nervousness returned and in the heat of an argument with her mother she nearly called off the wedding. Her 10-year old son then stepped in. He begged, “Please amma, you must get married.” That was the last of the stumbling blocks.

I missed the wedding as it was held at the opposite end of the city. Narayan and Nalini were one of the 19 couples that tied the knot in the mass wedding. When she came to meet me in her newly-wed finery, looking radiant and beautiful, she said it was great fun. The food was great. All couples were given free gifts of furniture, jewelry, cloths etc., Whoever organizes these weddings definitely deserves a pat on the back.

There is a lot more drama to the story especially from her ex-in-laws, from threats for stopping the wedding and seizing custody of the boy. Although Narayan forbade Nalini from moving court for son’s maintenance, he was determined to fight tooth and nail in court to help Nalini get custody of the child. Now the trio lives happily together.
Think of what she would have missed had she been adamant about her opinions. Her new husband’s happiness is like that of someone who has hit the jackpot, treats her like a precious gift, buys her everything, forbids her from working anywhere as a maid…far cry from the time when she was willing to slave for her unemployed first husband provided he did not raise his hand on her.

I am not saying that there is no basis for stereotypical thinking. There is and probably it helped her avoid wrong choices. On the face of evidence to the contrary, she dropped her stubbornness and gave life a chance. She deserves a good life....


On a final note, here are some stereotypes to mull about:

o Heaven is fluffy clouds.
o God looks like an old man, white hair, white robe.
o Beautiful girls are unattainable.
o Old women all wear polyester and have blue hair.
o Big boys don't cry.
o Its OK for women to cry, since women are weak.
o Plain-looking women are more faithful than beautiful women.
o Men will cheat because...well, they're men.
o Boys are expected to sow their wild oats, but women are supposed to remain chaste.
o Blonde women are dumb.
o Redheads are hot tempered.
o Black men have large genitals.
o Blacks are lazy.
o Asians are good at math and science.
o Girls aren't good at math.
o Smart girls are geeky.